Seventy Times 7

I'm incredibly angst-filled today. I feel more like a teenager today than i ever have in my entire life. I just feel like nothing is going my way. The only thing i know i have for sure is the most amazing boyfriend in the entire world. I spent the night at his house last night... ( no frowning upon my lifestyle please... besides, he slept on the couch and i slept in his bed because hes a GENTLEMAN. ) He had hockey practice in the morning and he came home and woke me up with a kiss. I ate scrambled eggs and whole wheat toast with his family and then we went sledding at my house. I may be an "adult" but i will never stop loving flying down a hill at alarmingly fast speeds. (due to the WD-40 we spray on the sleds...) Any-who... back to the point. Richard is different than anyone i've ever known in my life, and that makes me feel like maybe being weird isnt so bad. He loves all of my imperfections. Today after the sledding adventure we went to Arby's and on the way i was talking about how i dont tell people alot of things about myself because i'm afraid that when people know certain secrets they won't like me anymore. I said that if i told him some things he would feel bad for me and i never wanted someone to be with me because they felt bad for me... i wanted someone to be with me because they loved me. There was a small silence and then he told me that he loved me and i didnt have to tell him my secrets if i didnt want to. He said that he would love me regardless of what they were. I've lived my life being a very closed-up person. As a child i was quiet and reserved. Sure i'd play with other kids and yell and cry and laugh, but alot of the time i would be quiet. I remember taking everything in. No matter where i was i felt a need to feel everything, i needed to explore as much as i could and find out as much as i could. I was a loner to the core, and that makes alot of people nervous. You know the typical high school loner, thats the kid who's gonna shoot up the school right? WRONG. Just because i dont like to talk to alot of people and i keep quiet does not mean that i am a ticking bomb, waiting to explode on everyone who called me fat or ugly. And believe me, there were alot of those people. I was the fat depressed girl. I was the ugly girl. I was the "GOTH GIRL." (Which pissed me off the most.. what the hell is so wrong with wearing black tshirts and jeans?!? I wasnt wearing BONDAGE PANTS or anything.) That was just the first three years of high school. My senior year i lost 60 pounds and started caring about the way i looked. Then i got, "She got a boob job." Or, "She's anorexic, she's bulimic." High school is so vicious. Those are supposed to be the best years of my life??? High school made me the way that i was. I wasnt a typical girl, i didnt like to gossip or start fights. Maybe if i would have been born at age 18 i wouldn't be such a closed-up person, but thats not the case. I never liked telling my secrets or letting people in. When my parents sold our house in September of my senior year and we became homeless because we didnt have anywhere to move, i only told a few people and everyone else was clueless. When my art teacher asked me why i didnt ask him for a letter of recommendation for art school i didnt tell him that it was because i was too busy fretting over whether or not i'd have a house to live in for christmas. I didnt tell him that I couldnt make a portfolio because i didnt have any of my art supplies. (they were in a box at my aunt's house, besides, i didnt have anywhere to make art anyways...) I told him i didnt feel like applying to school. When my grades slipped and i was crying all the time i didnt tell my teachers what was going on, i didnt tell them i was staying in another town with my step-grandmother and she was driving me to the bus stop every morning. I didnt tell anyone that sometimes i was so afraid that i'd get off the bus in the afternoon and no one would be there to pick me up. Where would i go? I couldn't go to my house because i didnt live there anymore. I would sleep half of the day away in school because i couldnt sleep in the strange beds i was in. I dont tell people anything... and having this amazing boyfriend scares me to death. I feel comfortable enough to tell him almost everything, and i'm vulnerable. For the first time in a LONG time i am vulnerable and i'm scared to death. I'm so scared that i've found this amazing thing and that after giving all of myself to someone i am going to lose it all. I'm terrified every day that this love is going to be taken away, and that is NOT fair. I want to feel this way for a long time. I know i shouldnt be living life in a constant state of paranoia, but its hard. I've become accustomed to being hurt, and to have someone treat me so good is a little strange. I've decided that i'm taking this chance. Forget worrying because its not worth it. I took a chance when i told him how i felt, and look how that turned out? We're together. I'm not going to worry about the ex-girlfriend because i'm the girlfriend, and he tells me i'm amazing. AMAZING. He see's me, and i love him. If nothing else, i know i'm sure about this, and that's honestly all i need...
sorry for the ranting....